journal

10/23/21 - the dentist

(tw: blood and gross scenes)
Welp! Today I went to the dentist to have 2 teeth pulled out. It was the most exciting thing that has happened to me in 2 months, so sorry in advance if I become a little too enthusiastic and talk about details that better left untold. The process was mildly interesting. First, they injected anesthetic into my gum with a *kinda* large syringe. I can feel it, a little pain. It was like what I imagined being bitten by a snake feels like. I cannot get a grasp of how many anesthetic they put, but it was a lot, as I could see in the reflecting lights in front of my face. Then my palatum just went numb. Oh, did I forget to mention that I had a tooth on my palatum? Soooo. I couldn't swallow my saliva, then they just took out this big thing like a piler and started pulling my teeth out with maximum strength. I didn't feel pain, only the pulls. It went like this:
Attempt 1: failed, I began to think about the possibilities of dying from this procedure. Which is strangely calming. Attempt 2: failed, I began shaking. I just couldn't help it.
Attempt 3: failed, I were fully relaxed, like I was going to die or something lol
Attempt 4: succeed, no pain but a lot of blood. Weird enough, I didn't feel scared when they used their hands to pin my head down to pull out. I was nonchalant about everything, even when the water I spitted out was redder than the cheeks of my crush when her crush ask her out. Oh, the peak of anxiety. They sewn my gums up with a thread with sharp point (???) lol because I didn't feel anything, I just watched thread being sewn on my gums in the reflection with absolutely no fright. Then the process started all over again, this time with the premolar.
I just laid there a moment, and overheard that my tooth was...rare? or something like that, so I decided to take my teeth home. I chose to be a brat at that moment. They shoved 2 cotton pads into my mouth, told me to keep my mouth closed and swallow my saliva (as if I could!). EVENTUALLY IT BEGAN TO HURT. When I touched the right side of my lower lip and chin, it was like touching someone else's skin. It reminded me of "The Tooth" by Shirley Jackson.
One thing I'm proud of, is that I can eat while just having my teeth pulled out. Missing teeth or gums? No prob! I could still eat caramel, roasted duck, popcorn and rice that evening. That was quite impressive, considering the fact that I had 2 large holes in my mouth, partly sewn with thread. Then I watched Anne with an E. The show had came to the awkward part where mom just pretended to look at her phone home screen until they stopped talking lol.
That's all for today. Bye! Remember to be kind or I'll hug your arm tightly until it become necrosised due to lack of blood

10/27/21 - wednesday

Hello! It's your awkward girl again. I hope no one I know is reading this, because I made the mistake of linking this on my Instagram bio. Please, I beg you. If you know me in real life, stop scrolling and get out. If I catch you peeking... Cross your fingers and wish for my first ever cookie batch to be successful y'all
And now please clap your hands BECAUSE I GOT THE INGREDIENTS WRONG BUT THEY STILL TURNED OUT SOOO GOOD

11/3/21 - wednesday

Nothing remarkable, really.
I've just realized that if my crush wasn't in the same class as me, it would be wayyy more comfortable.

I like when it's warm

No, not the "warm inside when there's a snow storm outside" kind. It's more like warm at the beach. And warm as days like today. The sun is shining brightly now, but the winds keep us cool. I feel like bathing in a tub filled with sunlight. I imagine the sunlight liquid will be glitter and golden, like this:
but less dense and warmer. I feel safe under the sun. Everything is exposed, nothing is left in the dark. And this weather reminds me of the beach. To be honest, everything on the beach is heated, except for the frrreezing water. I just want to stay there forever, like I'm lost in another dimension. A better, sunnier one. It just feels nice to have a warm layer of skin outside all those fats and bones and neurons and muscles. Reminds me of when Prometheus put boring parts of animals and wrap it in a delectable piece of fat. Or maybe the reason for my penchant for sunny days is because it's nostalgic. I don't know why, but when I live in a sunny days, I think of my grandparents' house all the time. Perhaps it's merely because I associate the sun with Sunday, the only day in a week when I come to visit my grandparents. Whatever it is because, I think it's pleasant. Words cannot describe how I long for sunny days. I also suck at words, anyway. I don't hate rainy days, though. The only kind of weather I hate is the hot, humid one. If only weather had guts, so I could say "I hate that weather's guts!". When I mention this to people, they say I'm dumb, but I like to put on jackets when it is approximately 104°F outside. I love dry heat. It soothes my soul. It calms me down. It makes me forget what I don't want to recall. It makes me feel warm, both outside and in my bosom.

11/15/21

I've just come back from a trip, but I don't want to recall it now. It's like a sore point, and I'm trying to forget it. When we go on a vacation with our family, it's supposed to be fun. We are supposed to be filled with joy. Instead, I felt nothing, just ice cold and ignorance.
Last night I had a good cry, which resulted in swollen eyelids this morning. It's my coping mechanism, just cry at night and by morning it will all be wiped away and forgotten. However, I still have to come up with a solution. I'm slowly obsessed with them even more by each day. The only thing that's worse than having a crush on someone is doing Math. Oh, and it's a he this year. But I still feel sad when I think of L. Once again, I wish no one I know is reading this. It will be so awkward, and the amount of awkwardness in my life is already abundant. He's not handsome, at all but I still like him. WHYYYY. I know myself all too well, I will pine after someone for a year, then get over it as soon as summer break come.

11/30/21

Okay, it's now nighttime, and I will have a huge test next week, so I'll write when I'm confident enough to take exams without sucking for air as soon as I saw the test kiss kiss

birthday party and a physics question (5/12/21)

well, today we threw a birthday party for me! none of my friends came, of course, because it's just close relatives. I had a small chat with grandpa (ong ngoai), and he talked about the difference between English literature and Russian literature. He gave me a copy of Jamilia by Chinghiz Aimatov. Then my aunts and uncle and counsins came. Oc came, of course, but the squirmles are still being shipped from China. Aunt Hang (mother's smaller sister) gave me books and old clothes and some money. My grandparents also gave me a lot of money. The food were good, as they were cooked by grandma. She is literally the best cook I've ever known, and she used to have a pho restaurant. Oh, how I wish I could time-travel!. After eating, we sung karaoke, I was told to play the guitar and each of us kids had to perform one thing. I didn't hate it. It's not my real birthday, though. Mine is 12/7, but I will be taking an exam then. I can't wait to finish it so I can read those stories. I reallyyy want to read The Picture of Dorian Gray. I hate him from the start, though.
And now, the second part of the title *sigh* Basically, a few weeks ago I decided to stop pining for L, and deleted the chat I had with her. I don't know why I did so, but it has proved to be efficient. AND THEN she had the nerve to just apparate out of thin air and ask me about surface force and pressure. And now when she is online I just see her face and be reminded of her. GIRL, you cannot just click all the efforts I've made and press delete like that. I hate you. If you keep on asking me questions about physics and biology like that, I might as well block you. Because somehow my brain just stop functioning near beautiful people. Yeah, I know what you meant when you said "Islam again" but my mouth is always quicker than my snail's pace-working brain sooo.

12/13/21

Hi. As you can see from the counter, it's only 49 days left to Vietnamese Tet. It came as a mild shock to me, and mom commented that time flies so quickly. However, this is not the case at all. Personally, I think time was so slow that I made every effort to avoid thinking about it, and I succeeded until people start pointing out the time. Today is Taylor's birthday, and also Thuc Anh's birthday. You know, she is also a new student, but she is from C3, closer than C4 so she already had some friends at 8C1. And it must be Tayvoodoo then, after months of worshipping, the idolatry has finally paid off. My Biology average score is 9,9!!! Highest in class!!! Insane, right? And it's not all, today in debate class I got higher marks than Ha Anh, the one who got all the medals at WSC. Mind = blown! Also, the exam is officially over now, and right this night I will fill my void with the happiness of OTPs, namely Johnlock and Drarry. Oh shoot, I nearly left out the most important detail... I. GOT. A TEN!!! and not in Biology, but in MATH!!! Yeah, I still cannot believe even now. It would make up for the 7 in first half of the term then. The squirmles have been shipped, all 20 of themmm. They are more like fidget toys than a magic trick, and it was sooo soft. I also overheard that we are going on a trip to Sapa this weekend with Hien An's family. Will be fun, I hope.
Speaking of friends (did I?), I remembered a girl who was in 4th grade with me. I couldn't remember her name, but I think her nickname (with family) was Maika. Maika was a character in a TV series long ago, and she was "the daughter of sky". Maika (the real one) was quite...eccentric. I first met her at the girl's restroom, where she casually approached me and said she accidentally dropped her scarf in the toilet and flushed. I was reading Totto-chan at that time, and it immediately reminded me of the little kid. I just laugh prefunctionary. She was bullied. But she seemed so nonchalant about it. She smiled a lot. One noon when I had finished lunch, I was about to go back to class to take a nap when she saw me and said the boys pulled her skirt off. I do not remember if she was crying or not. Now, reimagining, maybe she was crying. Then her homeroom teacher passed by, Maika told her the story. The teacher just asked if I was the one who did that, and obviously I weren't. Then she did nothing else. Call me nosy, but I really want to know if she is happy now. Maybe she has changed over the course of 8 years. Maybe not, then she would have a hard time, that's for sure. Oh, how I long to know!

1/11/22

I've just found out who Ha Anh's crush was. TCHM! Wow, I was shocked, but I get why she liked him.

1/31/22

Today is the last day of December 2021 in Lunar calendar, aka New Year Eve in Vietnam. I don't have to study, of course. Today and the days before were just cleaning and preparing. As usual, I will take a bath in lá mùi già. It's a kind of herb, I don't know the English word. This year, Tet feels different. No, it's not about growing up. I'm still at the age when Tet is still fun and carefree. But it's because of COVID. Times like this are when I feel angry with the government. They forced us to be inside days and months, and their beliefs are that COVID ends when there're no cases left. It's just so unrealistic! Guess we'll be stuck at home for at least ten years more, then. I'm wasting part of my life at home; people are being unemployed and facing financial and mental problems. Okay calm. Calm.
Fortunately, Tao Quan is still playing. Without Tao Quan it doesn't feel like Tet, even if it isn't funny anymore. Now it's 7:40 p.m and I'm sitting on my bed, filled with mui tau scent, and ranting online. This year, I've done nothing. But that doesn't worry me. I'm pretty okay with not doing anything with my life now, to be honest. Later, there won't be fireworks thanks to the government but we have small sticks of fireworks at home! There's shrimp and chicken porridge for dinner, yum! The next morning we will gather at my grandparents' house (my dad's parents) to have a meal at the beginning of the year. Bye for now!
AAAAAAAAAAA Tao Quan has started !!!

2/7/22

today is *her* birthday. y'know, "she" *wink wink*

2/11/22

I've caught a cold. Although my body temperature is not high, I feel dizzy and when I roll my eyes it hurts somewhere behind my eyeballs. I've been studying at school for the morning for 2 days, before I have to take a day off today. Well, what can I say... The class is not as friendly as 7C4, that's for sure. But I don't think they are mean or "distant". 3 people waved to me, and don't you dare comment that the number is small. It's big. I still hung out with close friends from C4, especially Ha Anh because um she like tchm, a boy in my class. I sat next to Thuc Anh, also a new student. I've learned that you will not be taking anyone's claimed seat when you head for the top table. Since no one is that stupid to sit in front of the teacher.

2/14/22

GUESS WHAT I got covid. lmao lmao

2/23/22

So today, after mom has persuaded my teacher, I got to go to school. There were 18 students in our class today, which is considered a lot. One thing I have to admit is I concentrate easier when learning face-to-face. This week is for revision for the examinations next week, and my plan is just to cram as much as possible :c Understandably, I didn't talk to much people, only 2. I'm not complaining, though. Only a fool would want to talk while on the verge of suffocating behind the thick mask. And I solemnly swear I will never ever third-wheel again. I feel so guilty lmfao.

2/25/22

Today is the third day I've came back to school. Haven't got Covid yet. Thuc Anh was a f1, so she didn't come to class today. I didn't talk to many people, only Ngoc Ha and my friends from C4. Oh, and I didn't third-wheel today. Not the whole time, at least... Things are happening in the world now. Things between Russia and Ukraine. I don't have a clue about them, and I don't know where to acquire that information. I will have to debate about it next week. Because of the sources. American newspapers are so expensive, especially NYT which I find really interesting. Other sources, including NYT, are biased or might be inaccurate. Each country has their own povs and maybe I should just read Vietnamese newspaper. I think if there will actually be a world war, and it actually affect Asian countries, Vietnam will side with Russia. After all, the Soviet Union did support Vietnam when we were at war with the South and America. There are many infos on tiktoks, many povs (even though I haven't checked, I'm 100% sure there are), and I did find it a little disturbing. It's like making fun out of people's sufferings, which is so sadistic and a horrible thing to do. There are even a girl on twitter who discounted her onlyfans for Ukrainians. Like, yeah, they definitely need your nudes. Now, I don't know anything about politics, and my views - the views of a 14-year-old - might be completely wrong. I'm quite political-indifferent, even. But I read from the news that civil people are getting hurt, and I felt scared for Ukrainians. Just imagine troops invading and harming people in your own city. I know there are definitely people spying on me lmfao. Hm what country are they in?
I want to write something so much. I like the feeling of typing something. But I just don't know what to write. Homework? I want to just write something and upload it to Wattpad, however bad it might be. The reason why I'm not, is because I feel scared. I often feel paranoid. I just keep wondering, what if someone is reading my mind? What if someone is watching me, spying on me? That's why I don't think. Even in my own head, I still feel too scared. To think! While people out there are struggling with overthinking, there's me who is under-thinking :c And since I'm in a reading slump (partly because Basa is dominating the Kindle, and he just keeps re-reading Harry Potter!), I am now obsessed with Webtoons. THERE ARE SO MUCH NICE STORIES THERE. Makes me wish I was artsy. I had an idea of making an animation for the Folk of The Air series by Holly Black (one of my favs), but I need to have skills first.
This morning at school, since I have no friends and no one to talk to, I read Jamilia by Aimatov. It was so beautifully written. It's not a sad story, it has a happy ending, but there was a lump in my throat after reading it, and I felt like crying. I don't know why, but it was so beautiful and touching that I want to just cry. Unfortunately, I was in class at that time ( ͡ಠ ʖ̯ ͡ಠ)
andohmygodohmygodimetklinhanddiediuwqrcpwcjweicewmriwr. okay. breathe. She must think I acted so strange, and that I bear a grudge against her *sigh* but how come she's still so pretty, and even taller??? Gosh, I need to stop simping lmfao.
Uh guys,,, I'm simping and imagining things and getting my hopes up. Not good. Next week will be the tests. CONCENTRATE

2/26/22

i'm trying to write every day. it's 10:43 right now so I have to hurry. My grandmother came by today and had lunch with us. I went to the dentist this morning and they tightened the brace, which is the reason why my gum is hurting. I have an acne at the edge of my lower lip, and it makes my lip look swollen. I'm cramming on Biology and GDCD (idk how to translate that subject, maybe only Vietnam has it). tchm got covid, and ha anh is wheezing I still haven't recovered from reading Jamilia. It was so beautifully written that I forgot I was in class for a moment and was on verge of tears. My classmates have already think that I'm weird enough, there's no need for them to see me cry in class for no fucking reason except that the prose has the kind of beauty that is only found in poetry. not that all poems are beautiful, though. Just look at this one that I've just discovered: It's by Gabbie Hanna, I don't know who she is. Whooops I'm ranting. Bye. Mom just yelled at me.